MY BURDEN

            -    jay creates  -
          
              MY  BURDEN  
     
  " It is you I have loved all along"
                           - Dana Glover

        You are aware of his presence behind you. You can feel his lovely smile penetrating your back. You know because you are standing before a life size mirror dressed in an immaculate white lace gown with people clustering around you tending to your nails, your face and the dress. You see him quietly leave not wanting to disturb you. You are filled with exhilaration,a joy with bounds unknown and you know that today will be just the beginning. Some hours later you emerge from the room radiant, sparkling with jewels and smiles. A light tingle is beginning to form somewhere in your depths and you will yourself to stay strong for today. Your roses are clenched tightly around your fingers and they are neatly arranged in a silk white wrap. You can hardly wait any longer . You step out into the corridors and proceed the sound of your heeled shoes reverberating across the hall in search of him. You are startled when he grabs you from behind and teases you over what a scary cat you are. You nod absentmindedly reminding him that more things were
important.
     
       You lead him outside into the graceful warmth of the sun, only to be momentarily cut of from this bliss by the chauffeur beckoning and gesturing you into the car. You want to scold him for being so tactless and unobservant but the joy flooding your inner being won't let you . You simply smile at him then drag him along as you both enter the car. You admire the way the car is decorated with pink and green strips of ribbons tied into a bunch at both ends of the car. The car drives away from the path of the past onto the route to a new future where the both of you will be together. You know this because you can feel it..... in your soul.

         You arrive at your destination and reluctantly let go of his hand to sit at the pew. You watch as he sits opposite you with  his friends all smartly dressed. You exhale when you are called up to recite after a minister the things that will declare both of you happy. You look into his eyes as you say the words and feel a heavy burden lift off your shoulders when you slip the jewel on his finger. You watch attentively as he does the same,he is overwhelmed by emotions midway and you see visible lines of fluid marked across his cheeks. He braces himself and continues until completion, then the minister proclaims it is done . You rejoice though inwardly lest you make a fool of yourself in public, you simply hold his hands and smile into his eyes. Your deep longing is beginning to ache.

       If only it were true,if only all this were true perhaps you wouldn't blame fate so much for being unfair to you,nor will you look your mother in the eyes like she was a vile betrayer ,an immense contributor to your well accumulated pains. You would trade anything in the world to go back in time, to a time where possibilities would abound. There a chance would lie, a chance that things would have turned out differently

        You know that you are being delusional because you are in constant battle with your realities. You focus not on viable solutions to your problems but rather a means of escape, laying emphasis on the problem only  and leaving no chance for an idea towards a solution to blossom. You acknowledge your realities but make conscious efforts to shut out the memories and inwardly praying that the devious aftermath go away.
     You can feel your longings diminish to be overwhelmed by a new feeling, a vengeful ache, a need for retaliation then subsequently frustration over your inability to wrought unto him in equivalent magnitude  what he has wrought upon you. 
      The aftermath is becoming clearer every blessed day. At first you weren't sure, you wanted to believe that you had indeed taken ill as a result of his actions to your heart. You lay for days basking in the euphoria of this newfound state; you thought that if it escalated ,more out of pity than love he would come running back asking for forgiveness. You sometimes visualize him in your most imaginative senses kneeling, a flower extended out to you with tears running freely from his eyes to his chin and then dropping unto the hospital floors. You got the shock of your life when the doctor informed you the cause of your state. Your hatred soared to greater heights, you cursed him and wished desperately for his death. You remember his meaningless words "always and forever" but it all seemed now to make no sense to you.
      
      A problem you called it, a pure thing devoid of evil embellishment. An epitome of innocence in every respect but noooo!!! , it had become a problem because it came from one you once loved so dearly. A lost love who has quickly transformed into the devil the sole architect of your numerous troubles. You now seek ways of taking care of this problem. Each time you have tried and failed only to resolve to try again. A spitting image of him it will be, you reminded yourself each time you failed, but then you wondered ,for the briefest of moments it could turn out differently. Anger at his actions, this rueful aftermath and your growing desperation convinced you enough each time you failed again. You tried seven desperate times and failed each time, developing cold feet at the last minutes.
        You have decided at last to resign yourself to the seeming magnitude of your own realities, to believe in time's healing nature, to pray and hope for the strength to deal with each problem as it comes and in the end find peace within yourself. You have come to accept, to understand that everything happens for a reason and that you have been assigned a solemn duty by fate.

       BY UCHE OSITA JAMES